Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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