I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
