Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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