drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
