It's Friday. Sex?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am mentally ready for anal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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