i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
