I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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