it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize