When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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