I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
