Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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