he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
