At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
