We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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