i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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