I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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