Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize