Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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