Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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