if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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