Apparently you make a good broom.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
