No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
