I think I died a long time ago.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
