Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
