If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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