Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
