im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You're earring is so big in my mouth
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
