She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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