Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize