the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
