I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
