her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
