She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
