I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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