Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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