hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
