i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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