I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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