hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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