I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
