My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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