Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
