i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
