a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
COCAINE IS GR8
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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