i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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