my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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