...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
