just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
