just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
