Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
