Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
