The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
