You made me cry and you don't even care
My first STD was from a foam party
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
