listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
