Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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