The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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