I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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