Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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