I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
