Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
